The Lights Are On

When I take energy supplements, that means there’s a problem.

Because usually, I just sleep when I’m tired.  There’s nothing in life that’s important enough to stay awake for anymore.  I’m awake during the day, and I fall asleep at night, and most of the day I wish I were asleep.  Until now.

I need my brain to do something for me.

Which is weird to say, bc most people don’t need to ask their brain to do something, the way a shaman might ask an oracle for advice or intervention.

Usually, I’m happy to be in a waking sleep.  Nothing hurts, nothing perturbs me, and I don’t have to wake up to the tragedy that is my sucky workaday life.

But recently, something’s come up.

The truck that I’ve always wanted to own is now available.  In mint condition.  A 2003 Ford Lightning, somewhere in NJ, for $18,500 ($20,000 after tax) and only 32,000 miles (unheard of!).  And I must own it.

When I want something — really want something — my brain turns on.  The gears begin turn.  And if I’m really on fire… the gears never stop turning until I get exactly what I want.

The motivators pretty much stopped after college.  Why?  Because there was nothing out there that I wanted badly enough.  Life was/is pretty okay.  Food, clothing, shelter, allowance.  Having a kid was scary, so my brain, for its own protection, shut down completely.  But now… this.

I can have this.  All I want is this truck, and to move to CO, and quite honestly, I’m done.  F*** the world — I’m cashing in all my chips.  I’ve got my bike, and to have my truck and to live in CO with my fledgling family… everything else is just gravy.

So, I took energy supplements earlier this afternoon.  And now, it’s 8:45pm, and my brain is awake like it’s early afternoon.  My brain doesn’t usually like this, bc life is intrinsically boring and disinteresting, especially at this stage.  But I can totally get a FT job or two for this.  I can use this… to move on in my life.

Now, all this takes is sustained focus… and sustained enthusiasm.  🙂

College was so much different than real life.  With college, life was exciting.  Life was vibrant.  With this, adulthood, life is just something you try to get out of the way while you’re waiting to die.  A set of responsibilities you take care of.  Bleh.

I took Rhodiola to stay awake so I could get my Japanese homework done so I could complete college, so I could move to CO.  And now… that’s done.

Now, the plan is to put $20,000 together in ten months, so I can get the truck of my dreams.  $2000 a month.  So doable, if you’ve got no real bills and are deferring it all.  I think I can.

All it takes is a burning dream and some grit.  Just like with the bicycle, and the trip to CO.